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20 Things I Have Learned Since October 7
I am not afraid of dying. I have imagined dying so often in the last 6 months. I have imagined that this may be the end of the world, it could very well possibly be. After consuming way too many sci-fi dystopian narratives, I decided I was ready to die, that I would not resist. That I would let God in more and that there is an alchemy happening now that is releasing so much love.
After deciding that I was ok with dying, I was able to recommit to being alive in an almost ruthless way, like Marie Kondo-ing my life with no hesitation. “To truly cherish the things that are important to you, you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose. (MK).”
I realized a deep codependency with many situations and many people. I may have loved them once and I may love them still, but I am not responsible for their choices and especially not responsible for how those choices affect me. I am, however, responsible for how those choices make me feel. I can decide whether or not people, places, things, organizations, structures are relevant to my joy and I can choose who I will share that joy with.
In case it is not easily understood, in this conversation, I am equating joy with love and I am equating love with what makes things that bring life grow and flourish.
I learned the term Global South and still can’t tell if it’s really appropriate to say as an American even though everyone seems to be using it. I reviewed the term “everything went south” realizing how many ways south meant below or underneath, in the dark.
6. Unfortunately I learned that people still, even after 30,000, almost 40,000, men, women and children that have been killed in Gaza, that many people still see these lives as primitive, unworthy, collateral damage, numbers only, NRPI (no real person involved, a term learned from the TV show Succession). That people believe that Palestinians have always lived in tents and were uneducated, that they were manipulated agents of destruction, bugs, weeds, something to be eliminated in order to let more valuable forms of life grow.
The veil lifted and lifted again and lifted again and I saw the layers of NRPI that have formed my life, formed my understanding of safety & protection as an American.
The veil lifted again and I understood the haunting feeling of never feeling safe that loomed around me my whole life, way beyond my early childhood. I remembered this recurring dream in my childhood (the 60s) where I would be looking for a place to hide from evil and I would find a good spot and would realize, oh they are giants and they can look down on me from the sky.
I learned (for the millionth time) that it is hard NOT to blame men. I hesitate to make sweeping statements but I am wary, have continuous knee jerk reactions, learned experientially over a lifetime. When I was a kid I read LORD OF THE FLIES and THE BUTTERFLY REVOLUTION, both novels of corruption and lawlessness among teenage boys, a lust for power that goes violent all too easily, a preying on the weak. As a queer person I am hesitant to get into gender essentialism here but yes, both books are about boys. And yet one thing I have learned since October 7 (or what was truly illluminated) is that this kind of rage and lust for power (& or protections) is not conditional to men alone. Although most of the current players on the world stage are indeed men, the hatred and cruelty towards those without power is not exclusive to those with a more masculine orientation. There is a compartmentalism that is being revealed in some of women close to me that is horrifying. Cruel things said repeatedly, without hesitancy.
Equality is only scary if you have to give up something to attain it.
That, at this moment, it is all Palestine.
Faith is not Religion. I know, I know, we already knew that. But the faith I continue to see in the Palestinians make me cry almost as much as the babies dead in their mothers arms. Well perhaps precisely because of the babies in their mothers’ arms, that, despite this intense grief, women, men, children are still praying to ALLAH, asking for guidance and believing that they are seen/heard. That kind of faith may seem primitive to the larger powers that be, however it is indeed threatening.
My own addiction to Empire. How can there be more layers of my privilege? Beyond my comprehension. I patiently peel back the layers, thinking it will take my entire life.
That neutrality is also addiction to Empire. Some may think neutrality means peace, which if you are an American means you believe that the current system is set up with the best of intentions, which means you are probably waiting for the reward they promised you.
The reward is not coming.
How much I have waited for this moment. That since a child I have been particularly allergic to Empire, to structures that were meant to limit joy, that joy was somehow troublesome to the authorities around me. And as much as I felt stifled & afraid of punishment and retribution, I also held a private world inside me that knew this kind of wonder banishing was both wrong and also somehow futile, that the joy and love were ungovernable and to never forget that, to never forget this feeling and to nurture it and hold it as a secret. There were many times I felt shame for being ungovernable, for resisting being called into numbed out service by working in objectionable settings or for being too neurodivergent to handle fluorescent lighting, for giving up on paying bills & for the desire for more stuff, but now I can be grateful that impulse for freedom stayed alive inside, never died.
Power trips are toxic on every level. Feeling sorry/bad for yourself is a power trip too. Noticing the moments in the day where you feel you must control or dominate a situation because you don’t have enough faith in your connection to god or the humanity in others.
I never really learned what that word meant, Humanity, & that I had to be almost pushed to the bottom of that ocean to see it.
How good it feels to be separating myself from even just a few conveniences: changing my bank to a small local one, doing what I can to not use amazon, doing my best to go to a physical place to purchase a physical thing, to at least take a moment before I lay a card down for anything & when I can’t separate from Empire, laying down a prayer for the next time before it even occurs. It’s small but it takes so much focus it is becoming a meditation.
The world isn’t only more painful than ever but also more beautiful.
A just a few other things I am obsessing about today:
The Moon Spiral/Parallel Universe Dressby threeASFOUR. It’s made to order & ridiculously $$ & will be mine when my ship comes in or money changes form (oh yes, I see it on the horizon 👀 time/space/money an illusion).
This essay on {platonic}Adult Sleepovers {the new intimacy frontier aka my fave way to party}
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No Palestinian is safe (interview from Democracy Now with Feminist Scholar Nadera Shalhoub-Kevorkian on higher education, critical inquiry, freedom of speech)
“The question remains whether what is teachable, what is what should be written, what is publishable, what is what we can speak as scholars that are studying state criminality, as opposing to what is going on, as opposing to what the state is doing, is not accepted, so they throw us out of the university. And this is the same policy that the state of Israel is doing outside. So, it’s silencing. It’s preventing people from speaking. It’s threatening. It’s punishing.”
I appreciate you all & promise to turn my obsessive gaze towards this BRAINIAC AMOR/Substack direction more & more in the coming months. Stay tuned & thank you again for paying attention & staying close.
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Dear Kathe, oh my this is … there are almost no words to describe how potent your words are. There is so much grace, wisdom, and care here. I feel held and resonate with so much you shared… your release of death and what seems like almost “equal” opening to life while veil after veil fell. Whoa just whoa 🙇🏻♀️ you have become someone I rely upon - a woman mystic idk not trying to label you incorrectly, whom has navigated this with balance and humble imperfection. You stayed steady and present, responding to the moment - wow 😮 and Not neutrality but balance … asking the real ?’s … how do we / I continue to exist amidst so much exploitation … I overheard myself saying “I hate how difficult it is to turn this faucet off ugh 😩 ” and then immediately began crying as the images of a child laying on a hospital floor to be treated from burns and blows 😭 there is no reward. And, each moment I pull my littles in just a little longer and closer feeling the fragility of this tender life. Thank you for everything you do for us and for me. ❤️ I appreciate you so much! (Thanks to guru Jagat for connecting our souls :)
Yes to the learning and the seeing and your clear cogent articulating! I love the way you weave the macro into the micro and help us see how the personal and the political are not separate.
Dear Kathe, oh my this is … there are almost no words to describe how potent your words are. There is so much grace, wisdom, and care here. I feel held and resonate with so much you shared… your release of death and what seems like almost “equal” opening to life while veil after veil fell. Whoa just whoa 🙇🏻♀️ you have become someone I rely upon - a woman mystic idk not trying to label you incorrectly, whom has navigated this with balance and humble imperfection. You stayed steady and present, responding to the moment - wow 😮 and Not neutrality but balance … asking the real ?’s … how do we / I continue to exist amidst so much exploitation … I overheard myself saying “I hate how difficult it is to turn this faucet off ugh 😩 ” and then immediately began crying as the images of a child laying on a hospital floor to be treated from burns and blows 😭 there is no reward. And, each moment I pull my littles in just a little longer and closer feeling the fragility of this tender life. Thank you for everything you do for us and for me. ❤️ I appreciate you so much! (Thanks to guru Jagat for connecting our souls :)
Yes to the learning and the seeing and your clear cogent articulating! I love the way you weave the macro into the micro and help us see how the personal and the political are not separate.